Below is a written transcript of the audio for those unable to listen. Thank you for witnessing my awakening.
I feel the drums of the Underworld putting me in the trance of descent. I feel her flames licking my heels and singeing my hair. My blood is boiling and these gasoline tears are just fueling the fire. A raging bonfire is rolling from the outside in and the inside out. It is a total destruction of everything I am and everything I have ever been. So consumed am I, that I burn unaware of who I may become.
This is the direct descent onto a path that I have fought to avoid. Her call is so loud, it can not be ignored. She is beckoning and I must go.
This is a dance with a powerful demon that resides within me. This demon is confident and big. I have held the space for her to gain strength in this lifetime and my many lifetimes past. My ancestors have passed her down to me. It feels like punishment but I have been asked to harbor this fallen angel because I am the only one who is capable of throwing her onto the pyre and sending her up in smoke.
This is the start of my next descent. I will approach the first gate of purgatory with no Ninshubar awaiting my return from hell. I am not Inanna but I will meet my shadow sister Ereshkigal and she will hear me roar. We have met before but this time she knows I will leave no trace of her behind.
She will no longer hold me hostage. I refuse to let her sabotage my soul with her games any longer. So I will meet her in the dark where she dances freely and I will destroy her. I will slay her in ways where she can not leap from me to the daughters or sisters of this Earth. She will know that there is no where I wont go to purge her from the women of this world.
When I rise, I will be taking with me the crown of the Underworld and continue to hold the scepter of the Heavens.
Yours in Awakening.
The last place I want to send a postcard from is the Underworld. Despite knowing that the awakening is never done, I tricked myself into believing I could do what was needed while holding onto everything that I wanted.
Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I needed to lose it all in order to become the most raw and vulnerable version of myself. I needed to experience all the feelings of rejection and abandonment that come alongside losing someone you love. I needed to feel deserted by my beloved in order to access the depth of the wounds that have made themselves at home in my soul for many lifetimes.
For months, I've put my toes in the murky waters of the Shadow World. I wept as I approached the gates, hit my knees, and then quickly crawled away. I felt the mists of the Underworld spiraling at my ankles. I somehow evaded her. It must not have been my time. Perhaps it was my Higher Self that said "Not yet. We are waiting for maximum impact."
There is a lot that happens when you journey into your darkest spaces.
You lose people.
People you never thought could be lost. Relationships that have supported you for your entire life are dismantled in the first hours. You realize that even with the best intentions some will be unable to sit in the the dark with you. They will call you crazy, gossip about your evolution, and be fearful of your future. The wounds that have put you in the depths of despair have been created, nurtured and loved by some these people. Most have meant no harm but your growth shows them their wounds. They are not ready to go where you are going so you go first.
You Question It All
There is no part of your past left unturned as you explore what you've kept hidden. You'll be totally surprised because they were such deep secrets, you kept them from yourself. You can no longer turn a blind eye to the self-deprecating thoughts, destructive behaviors, or patterns of survival. You witness them as the very things that keep you small and dropped you into the Underworld. So you ask yourself "How did I let this happen?"
When we ask ourselves this question... typically the next thing that happens is a resounding:
SCREW YOU GOD.
When you are in the Underworld, you have no idea how an all- loving Divine Source could ever let one of their sacred daughters fall this far. Despite being in my line of work, I don't get to escape this moment. In fact, I wonder if it hits me a little harder. A large part of my path was to open this channel to The Great Goddess. To allow her to speak to you through me. I shout up to the heavens. I write rageful notes to Source in my journal. I scream, cry, and beg. I ask "why they hate me?" I ask what they want from me. I tell them to leave me alone. For a time they will, and then they come back with a vengeance.
They tell you to get off your knees and do what you are here to do.
They tell you to purge it all. Feel everything. Use your entire being to express the pain, agony, sadness, betrayal, rejection, abandonment, heartache, isolation, desperation, confusion, and loss. Let it out.
You must surrender TO the feeling before you can let go OF the feeling.
While I have not come up to the light, I accept that through this rawness and vulnerability, I will become my most authentic self. I will learn to burn brighter than ever before. It is from this darkness that I am able to be seen for the first time. This is key. This is what keeps me going. It is ONLY this perspective that gives me the courage to share my journey with you.
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